Guest Column: Goddamn Happy Birthday America

Posted on July 4, 2008

Guest Columnist Earl Joe Maynard — Goddamn it’s been 222 years since the goddamn Illuminati started this little country we call the North American Union (Oh it might not be called that yet but in eight years when president-colonel Ron Paul unites the four nations on this continent [after Texas revolts and becomes a separate nation state of course] just you wait and you’ll see ole Earl Joe is right).
Goddamn kids already lighting off the ole fireworks next door without knowing what America is all about. You punk kids think you’re hot shit in a champagne glass but you’re just cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup compared to Earl Joe. You see I was over in southeast Asia killing Vietnamese boys during the secret Vietnam war all through 1974-1977. Because of me you sumbitches get the liberties you do without me coming over with my goddamn rifle and putting you in your place. And you don’t even recognize the fact. Bastard school systems don’t teach you about the secret wars I bet, because they’re too busy brainwashing kids into believing that George Washington started this country and not Adolf Hitler’s great great grandfather. Goddamn teachers probably believe that themselves. Learn your history people! Watch my public access show on channel 99 ever Friday night at nine thirty after the Tortilla Hour. Goddamn illegals and their goddamn cooking show. Ole Earl Joe will teach you all about what really happened when the King of Spain ruled America during the Civil War. Goddamnit. Happy Goddamn birthday America.

Guest Column: In My Day, I Could Write a SYMPL Interpreter in My Sleep

Posted on July 2, 2008

Guest Columnist: Robbie the IT Guy — I tell you what. These fucking people I work with. I’m amazed that they even go to the bathroom themselves. These fucking kids don’t know how great they have it. When I got into this business, we didn’t have these pansy ass graphical interfaces to work with. No we had 40 columns of monospaced green text, if we were lucky enough to have a high end CRT. And you know what? We wrote some god damned fucking great code with that.

I could write a fucking spreadsheet app in my sleep. And it would be under 128 bytes, let me tell you. These pansy-ass motherfuckers have no idea what it’s like to have to fit your entire porn collection on a floppy disk. I was downloading tits over a 300 bit per second smart modem from a BBS before these assholes knew how to suckle their own mommy’s teats. Fucking snot-nose punks around me, I tell you.

These assholes get all bitchy too when they run out of Rock Starz and Ballz and Mountain Dew in the fridge. Those pussies wouldn’t even know what to do with themselves if they had to mix Coca Cola and hot coffee, they way we did around the old Deltaur offices back in my day. And we liked it. God damn kids.

Leaving Tomorrow

Posted on June 30, 2008

Going up to my step dad’s home town of Butte Nebraska for Pancake Days and Independence Days celebration. Because it’s a town of about 400 people, most of them elderly, in the middle of nowhere, I don’t expect much in the way of internets. Though I will be wardriving the little town. I might even buy some chalk. Realistically though, I’ll be lucky if I even get cell phone reception. We’ll see. (The town has a website, so there must be internet there somewhere, right? Unless they outsource their internets to O’Neill…)

And talk about timely, this just got posted today at Photojojo. Expect Pancake Days pictures upon my return.

Pet Peeves

Posted on June 28, 2008

I’m sure I’ve done this post before, and in a couple years I’ll probably damn well do it again, but there are things that bug me. And since I’m interminably locked in at work for the next seven hours. I have to fill my time with something, don’t I?

First of all, one thing that really bugs me is people that use songs as text message notifiers. It’s one thing to have to hear a shitty external mobile phone speaker blasting out a thirty second clip of “The Cupid Shuffle” or whatever your latest jam is whenever someone calls you. It’s an entirely different thing when it does that every time somebody sends you a text. If you, like the average teenager or twenty something, get 20 text messages a day (for some this may be a lot, but for a lot of people this may be low-balling it by quite a bit), that means your shitty music has been playing long enough to hear four to five full songs. A text message isn’t an opportunity to listen to some piece of shit song. All it should require is a simple chirp. That’s what my phone does, because I am a proper human being. One who doesn’t want to hear your crappy ringtone every three minutes.

Secondly, the word “definatly”. Or more appropriately, the non-word “definatly”, and its many and varied brothers, such as “definately”, “defanitely”, “defenatly”, and so forth. Not only can people not spell simple and common words, but I often find that people can’t even misspell them consistently. I’ve seen several instances of people using both “definately” and “definitaly” in the same paragraph. That’s a special kind of retarded.

Finally, Windows Installers that require a restart, but do not offer the option to shutdown. This is less and less of an annoyance for me, because I’ve pretty much all but abandoned Windows on any of my Macs. I don’t think I have a Windows VM on my MacBook, and I have no idea if I have one on the iMac. Who knows? But still, on the rare occasion when I do load into Windows, there’s always a hundred or so updates, bug fixes, and security updates to be installed. So I let it update, and meanwhile do what I need to do in Windows. And when I’m done, the updater says I have to restart. Okay, whatever. But there’s never an option to shut down. I’m done using Windows, I don’t want to restart, but since I’m not allowed, I have to reboot into Windows, wait for my Weatherbug and my Bonzai Buddy and Clippy and thirteen instant messengers to load up, just so I can hit Start -> Shut Down, because I didn’t want it open anyways. And usually there’s another update in the system tray, that just came out in the time it took for me to restart the VM. Annoying.

I’m done ranting now, I’m going to drink some warm milk and have a lie down.

Save Me Obi Ken Schimekobi, You’re My Only Hope!

Posted on June 4, 2008

Tornado sirens went off about half an hour ago. I was a bit confused because, outside of the twice weekly tests of the civil defense system. Because basically there’s not much threat of an air raid these days. Here’s a map of what’s happening right at this moment, I live right at the point of the blue arrow:

About 45 minutes ago, being as there was an apparent immediate threat of tornado, I naturally went outside with the camera, so as to show others exactly what this storm looked like. Here’s the first picture, facing south Lincoln:

I live right near Gateway Mall Westfield Gateway Shopping Town, for Lincoln folks. In the same minute I turned ninety degrees, facing east, and took this photo:

You can even see the reflection of the southern sunlight in the building’s glassy fascia. Pretty keen, huh? The joys of living in the Great Plains.

Back to Posting Soon

Posted on June 1, 2008

I think.

“ha’p’orth” is my new favorite word.

Official Hiatus

Posted on April 27, 2008

I been busy lately with work and everything else, and haven’t had much to put here in a while, so I think it’s time I (temporarily) shutter the blog. Maybe for a month or so, so I don’t have to worry about it, and can “recharge”. Meanwhiles, you can keep up with me at Futurabolditalic, Twitter, and Flickr. And I’ll be back eventually.

News Hottie of the Week: Anjali Rao

Posted on April 23, 2008

Anjali Rao co-anchors CNN’s prime-time evening news and business show, ‘World News Asia’, live from CNN’s regional production center in Hong Kong. She also hosts ‘Talk Asia’, the half-hour regional chat show, that features revealing, in-depth interviews and topical discussion with leading business, political and entertainment figures.

Rao has been an anchor/correspondent for CNN since joining the network in January 2006. In her career to date, Rao has covered a broad portfolio of major news stories including the attacks of 9/11, the Asian tsunami, the aftermath of the Bali bombings, the war in Iraq and the South Asian earthquake. Prior to joining CNN, Rao worked for a decade at broadcasters in Australia, Asia and Europe. She started her career as a producer and reporter in Hong Kong, where she was born. She was educated mainly in the UK where she received a bachelor’s degree with honors in Sociology and Media Studies from London’s City University.

Daily Tidbits

Posted on April 21, 2008

Modern Drunkard has a list of the best drunks of the old west, including this awesome story about Wild Bill Hickock.

…One of the ruffians asked Bill if every bumpkin on the plains picked his teeth with a Bowie knife. Bill tipped his hat back and said, quite calmly, “No, but we all know who our mothers are.” … The five hooligans rushed Hickok, he doffed his hat and turned his pool cue heavy-end-up. About 15 seconds later, Hickok stepped across the five broken, bleeding thugs, and resumed his drinking, picking up the story he’d been telling right at the point he’d left off.

Autoblog posts about a Fiero that’s also a boat. What can’t the plucky little mid-engined Pontiac do?

Jim Cramer, who’s show Stop Trading I watch even though I don’t understand the stock market, has this to say about a possible Apple product:

Cramer also said that a new Mac product, Conversation, will bring Apple to the forefront of instant messaging. He said the product will be similar to the iPod in its impact. “The analysts don’t see it because the analysts don’t use it,” he said. “I think this is a gigantic product.”

Cramer, not normally known for starting Apple rumors, may be talking out of his ass here, or maybe just discovered iChat on his MacBook and got confused.

Finally, Nebraska’s favorite band, Loup River Waltz & Street Choir, will be playing a show with the Bellflowers at the Zoo Bar tomorrow night. I will be sure to be there, with camera in tow. It will be awesome.

Daily Tidbits

Posted on April 18, 2008

Pingmag has an interesting interview with the inventor of the Tenori-on, a sort of light box midi sequencer.

Today’s Diesel Sweeties knows the power of a good mustache.

Autoblog today points out the Chinese-built Lifan, a (very ugly) MINI knockoff. It’s got an 87hp 1.3l engine, five doors, and even rips off the MINI’s wheels.

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